Saturday, May 23, 2015

Why Is This So Hard?

Last night my husband and I went to try out this dinner and a movie place to try and unwind from a stressful week.  The college Fastpitch tournaments were on as we were waiting to go into the movie, and I was delighted because he was taking what seemed to be a real interest in watching it with me.  

Suddenly, a man from the kitchen came out and turned the softball game off, tuning the channel to show a male sport.  He didn't even look to check to see if anyone was watching the softball game, he just took it upon himself to change the channel.  I thought, isn't that a good metaphor to what we as women go through in life?  These women were playing their hearts out on the screen with skill and tenacity, and he didn't care.  He knew there would be men coming into the bar and he wanted to keep them there as long as he could to make money; what man wants to watch a female sport, right?

It is disturbing how few fans go to see women's sports live; what a slap in the face to serious, female athletes.  I do believe there is a professional softball league of some kind still going, but the amount of money those athletes make is laughable compared to their male counterparts.  

My husband got up to go speak to the bartender.  I thought, cool he's confronting the injustice he's clearly seeing played out before his eyes!  I was feeling so proud, until I saw him walk back through with a cigarette in his hand.  What?!  Among his many addictions, this one has had probably the worst stronghold on him.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing!  He had just had dental surgery, and the hygienist specifically instructed him NO SMOKING.  How sad that is to realize that he was willing to jeopardize his health for a drug, and how quickly he was able to turn from my pain and discount it because he was focused on a sinful craving.

I went into the theater clearly upset.  Things continued to spiral down as I watched scantily-clad women dance provocatively across the screen as we waited for our Disney Movie to come on.  Of course that triggered my response of 'is he watching her, what is he thinking about, how can he buy into all of these cultural lies and seduction when he says he loves me so much?'

The movie was filled with some positive messages, ironically, mostly themed around Feeding the Right Wolf, the slogan for a pornography-treatment program.  But, it really does come down to that.  I found myself asking, why won't he feed the right wolf?  I thought we were both committed to Truth.  How can I support him in his ministry when all I can see displayed before me is hypocrisy, worldly lust, and ultimately-betrayal?
Toward the closing of the film, the main character talks about how the world is becoming such a dark place, but people can change that; so why won't they?  I reflected on my husband ignoring that man changing the Fastpitch game and wondering what was so powerful inside of him that made him accept the disrespect toward the woman he is supposed to love more than anyone else, and how could he in turn provide more of the same?  Why won't he stand, not because I ask him to or tell him it's important to me, but because inside himself he is sickened just as much as I am by the degradation of women?  That scares me to think that maybe he doesn't share that same belief, and maybe the talk that goes on about his wanting to walk in the Light is superficial-that maybe down deeper is a blackened heart.

Last night was hurtful.  My husband has a way of wanting physical attention when he knows he has hurt me, and that is hard for me to give.  I still love him to my core despite the offense, but I just don't want to reward that behavior or feel like I'm selling myself out when I am so desperately trying to stand strong in my self-confidence and values. The worst of all, though, is when we came home and he rolled away from me and went right to sleep, snoring that loud snore that goes through me like a knife when I'm feeling alone and depressed.

Ontop of it all, I had gotten word that while my son was with my parents on a weekend trip, he had accidentally fallen and broken my dad's ipad.  That was followed by my father screaming and cursing at my son.  My heart sank inside me, and I felt like a complete failure as a mother for allowing my child to go into the cesspool that I dealt with growing up.  I just wanted him to have a good time.  I layed there in bed thinking how alone I felt and how sad from so many years of hurt at the hands of men I love and who mean the most to me.  

I went to my son's bedroom and I laid there, crying, missing him, wishing I could hold him and protect him from this dark world; hating myself for knowing I allowed him to go so far away with people who had wounded me so.  My adrenaline was pumping, and I tried desparately to work it off by hanging clothes, but to no avail.  I continued to cry most of the rest of the night, and I tried my best to commune with my Father, because I knew that no human ears heard my cry in the night.

Since I learned of my husband's sexual addiction, nights have become particularly difficult for me.  I think it's because I am so busy and have to keep it together for so many tasks during the day that I can't really address what's hurting inside of me until I lay down to rest.  I can be, like last night, totally exhausted but suddenly be filled with such emotional pain that I am filled with energy.  My heart pounds, my mind races, and I just can't lie there and listen to that snoring that seems so flippant and cruel.

The nature of addiction is selfishness.  I hate it.  I hate that it ever came into my life.  I was not told about it, and I did not sign up for it.  I know that I must focus on myself to survive, but that is difficult when you see it sucking down the person who you once thought was one of the people who walked closest to God.  

There have been many good days since we started recovery, but last night was not one of them.  I'm putting my pain out here so that others might think it over before they head down the path of sexual addiction; because dear, there will be days like this.  I will pray for you; please pray for me as I do my very best to show the love of Christ and forgiveness in a marriage that is very important to me.  Please pray for my husband's heart.

No comments:

Post a Comment