Code Word: Bottle Rocket!

One of the things I have found particularly helpful in dealing with my anger and shame brought about by sexual maltreatment and abuse I have experienced throughout my life is to recognize when I am being triggered, notify my spouse that I have been triggered, and promptly set about coping.

As you may have caught by now, my husband and I have a fun, humorous relationship, though we take serious matters quite seriously.  We know that God has a sense of humor, because after all, he created the Duck-billed Platypus.  So, we set about to find an appropriate "code word," if you will, to help us both recognize in public situations, when I am experiencing a sexual trauma trigger.

We settled on "bottle rocket."  That describes the hot, angry and this could result in me ending up behind bars kind of feeling that get which I have to quickly recognize and contain or else it will land on the roof and burn the whole house down kind of thing.  Of course, you have to practice at it so that you aren't confronted, which results in taking away all of the personal power.

This went seriously wrong for me when I went for my post operative check-up with my oncologist who performed my laproscopic hysterectomy.  I thought of saying "bottle rocket" when he asked where my fifth incision was (where were you when you were supposed to be performing this surgery?) but reserved it for when he unannounced and without permission, invited a male intern to watch as he lifted my top...

Before he could get to breast level, I rustled out "bottle rocket."  My darling husband who seems to be losing his hearing at critical moments, was having trouble hearing what I was saying, so I nearly screamed it.  BOTTLE ROOOOOOCKET!

Shockingly, the oncologist had the nerve to smile at me very condescendingly and ask what it was I had said to my husband?!?  I resisted the shirt rising to breast level like a dog during a game of tug-of-war as I told him it was an inside joke (clearly, he wouldn't have understood).

I Bought A Nerf Gun Because Murder Is Illegal

Some things you just can't un-see.  For me this is Kate Upton in that sleazy Hardees commercial.  I knew there was a reason I wretched every time I saw the woman on that horseback Game of Thrones commercial-yep same person, though I have to say her cleavage was less than impressive on the latter.  As the wife of a man I love dearly who also happens to be a pornography addict, I deeply resent this woman because of what she perpetuates onto all women, not to mention the degradation she apparently doesn't realize she brings to herself.

My husband tells me she is just a victim too, and with that I must agree, unfortunately she is suffering as she makes her next bank deposit while I am being sexually harassed by these images every few minutes through my tv screen.  It wells up in me a rage that is almost uncontainable.  I kept processing ways I could release this beast within me.  So, I decided to buy a Nerf Gun.

I was enamoured by the commercials of the "Nerf Purse" originally and had fantasies of strolling along in my stilettos and mini purse when some misogynist assaulted me with some red-neck slur and BAM-blast him with my Nerf bullets.  However, in strolling the toy aisle at my friendly Walmart, I noticed that there were no Nerf purses in stock (imagine that), but I did find a much larger lavender Nerf blaster.  

Because I am a nice person, I haven't been able to bring myself to shoot at any targets of actual people faces (including the aforementioned model).  I realize that this is a societal problem, and it will take all of society to make change.  Nonetheless, I did have a great time playing commando in the yard with my husband and son.  But, to my chagrin, their guns shot harder and farther.  I should have known.  

What are some creative ways that help you feel empowered?

The Day My Husband Gifted Me With A Woman Cave

My husband and I worked long and hard to purchase our home.  It's not a mansion.  It's not a new home.  But, it's ours.  We purchased this home from sweat, tears, and faith together, and it is loaned to us from God.  Moments after our home became "ours," my husband and son started about creating their man cave.

They hung various memorabilia from all of their favorite sports teams, put in an air hockey table and a popcorn machine.  They have their video games and comfortable furniture.  It's a wonderful space for male bonding between the two of them, and I feel blessed that they often invite me into their space and we share some lovely times as a family down there.

One of my most treasured memories of coming into this home is when my husband looked at me and told me that I deserved a "woman cave."  As women, we so often consider the needs and wants of others that our selves get lost in the process.  How wonderful it was that my husband honored me in that way.  My woman cave is full of romance, an oil painting of a carriage ride my husband and I shared around Savannah, Mardi Gras colors from our family vacation to New Orleans, and Scripture and gifts from Christian friends who have helped protect my heart.

My woman cave is a place where I cry out to my God and study His Word, where I pour out my heart onto paper, where I craft and where I work.  It is a private place of refuge for me where I can either close my door or welcome my loved ones in.  The spaces in our home are so precious to me because they display who we are as individuals and the respect and love we have for one another; At the same time, they represent our vows in our family unity.

It is important for every human to have a sacred space.

Just Me and My Freshette

Well, Go Girl has a much better name, but I can't imagine that any of the Female Urinary Devices/Directors that I have read about or tried could match my Freshette.  Like most FUDs, it is a funnel concept, but it is made of a very comfortable plastic, is thin (but not too thin) with minimal chances for spillage.  You can also get it in camouflage and avoid the whole pink is the only color women like insult.

My favorite part about the Freshette is that it comes with a five inch tube so that you can pop it in through your fly, pull your underwear to the side to place it, and you pee straight out your fly without undressing or showing yourself off at all.  In that respect, I think this device allows for an even better advantage than the penis for males, because they still have to expose themselves when they pee at the urinal.  And, because your pee shoots out of the tube, you can direct it away from your body and get pretty good distance!

There are two main drawbacks that I see to this device.  One is that it took me a bit to figure out how to hold "my tube" just right so that my stream would flow out straight without shooting off to one direction or the other.  However, with that being said, I have learned through this process that it's not quite as easy urinating like a man as we females often times perceive.  There is the making sure you're close enough to catch the dribbles concern, the holding it straight enough and far enough down so it doesn't spray everywhere concern, and finally the shaking the end of the tube enough so that the dribbles don't drip down your leg or stain your pants.  My husband assures me that this is very similar to male urination.  He is even gracious enough to do my laundry when I have a mishap.

The second draw back is the bag for the device.  It has a full explanation of what is inside and what it is for.  That's not private in any way.  And, over time, if you aren't in a spot where you can rinse, the bag becomes pretty rank.  The name Freshette becomes a bit ironic.

Two major cautions with this device: Make sure you spread your legs so that you don't have any spillage, and lean forward at the end so you KNOW that all of the urine has flowed out of the trough.  Otherwise, you will need to find an extra change of clothes pronto.

 I have found that my confidence has soared since I bought this little puppy, as silly as it sounds, but such a small thing in our culture really does have such a tremendous impact on females.  (Little girls can use this device too, dads!!!)  I'm working myself up to using this in public restrooms and on camping trips; I'm trying to prepare myself for the possible insults or freaked-outedness I'm sure will follow.  Best wishes on your new freedom, ladies!

I would love to hear your stories!

Menstrual Cups, What?

I have been reading a lot about menstrual cups being the latest trend for catching menstrual flow.  Apparently, because they are similar to a condom in their chemical makeup, they are much more biodegradable to the environment than tampons or pads.  For that, I applaud the invention.  However, all I can say is these things look like we are regressing back to Victorian times.

I applaud the She Hulks out there who can put these things in and get the perfect fit, without any leakage, and to be able to carry out their normal day.  I personally can't even bring myself to put in a contact lens.  Some of them have this thing projecting off of them that looks like it would saw you to pieces.  I can just imagine how awkward and messy it would be to pull the thing back down for cleaning.

Sometimes I laugh to myself and wonder, "do men know half of what we deal with in just the course of one day?"

My Bra Size Is DDD, But This Is Why You'll Never See Them

If you are a woman that has participated in or is currently a part of the sex industry, please let me first say to you that I am in no way judging you.  You are one of the biggest reasons I started this blog.  In many ways, I am you.  I do not believe that the sex industry is God-honoring or empowering to women in any way, and for those reasons I would urge you to get out of it.  I want you to know, most of all, that you are deeply loved by God and that I care about you.  You are worthy of love.

As a child, I was constantly chasing after my father's attention.  Unfortunately, through loose sexual boundaries and an environment of patriarchal domination and control, when I came of age, I found myself lusting after much older men.  This led to an array of sexual escapades, embarrassing to me now as I look back on them.  I was sexually assaulted.  I engaged in extramarital affairs, I had sexual relations with people that I didn't even really like, just to get the approval I never got (appropriately) from my father.

I used to think if I used my attractiveness, if I showed off my body, that I would feel in control and powerful in a very imbalanced society.  My value as a person was totally wrapped up in men chasing me or engaging in sexual relations with me if they were in a forbidden situation; that made me feel "special."

Through working the twelve steps and through a deep spiritual connection with my Lord, I recognized that I have worth just because I am me.  I don't need the approval of men, or of anybody else, except for my God and myself.  What I began to realize over time was that the more I kept myself covered, the more I could focus on aspects of myself that were going to help me meet my personal goals and dreams, that were going to keep me in a strong and healthy relationship with my Higher Power, and were going to help me start working from the worldview that if I was being true to myself, then I could be truly happy.  I am not in anyway saying that looking attractive is not ok nor am I saying that the atrocities of sexual violence are a woman's fault.  I absolutely enjoy showing off for my husband, but that is it.  My husband.

Men and women alike, when they are acting out sexually, are like a horse with blinders on.  They are behaving from core beliefs about themselves and a distorted worldview, again all based on the lies of Satan.  We don't stop to think about the consequences our actions are placing on us, on our families, on other peoples' families or on relationships we may enter into in the future.

The sex industry whether it be strip clubs or pornographic magazines, porn on the internet, movies, whatever, is set up to degrade females.  You are better than that and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.  And the truth is, when you put yourself out there, it is not the attention of men who want to engage in intimate conversations about how special you are or who would defend your honor or who want anything more from you than just cheap, un-complicated sex that you are attracting.  That is not who you need or want in your life!

Dancing, prostitution, modeling for pornography, none of these are "victimless" behaviors.  Sexual sin has a devastating snowball effect that leads to catastrophic consequences for all involved.  If we are revealing our beauty to gain the attention of men, we have to think about the fact that many of those men are husbands and they are fathers.  The wives and girlfriends of men who view pornography experience great pain and shame, and many times, their family is broken because of it.  If you put yourself out there, men are going to look, and you cannot control who looks.  You cannot control that what you show of yourself may lead that man to relapse into a sexual addiction that he hates as much as his wife does.  I know this because I am also the wife of a recovering sexaholic.  Not only have I been the sought after, I have been the victim.  And it is a pain beyond comparison.  Finding out about my husband's addiction caused me to return to that place in my wounded childhood that I was acting from before I was in recovery myself.  I experienced PTSD all over again.   I continue to be triggered by pictures of Kate Upton and the Victoria Secret Angels on commercials, because these images are continuing the ideology that women are no more than body parts, and I do mean just parts.  My son has to sit through these commercials.  Magazines which are supposed to be innocuous trigger my husband on a daily basis, and therefore trigger me.  I can't drive by Hooters without wanting to drop a match.

As a wife I can tell you it truly sucks to still be quite young but to have your beloved partner in life fantasizing about "barely legals."  You may be there one day.   I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  I thank God that today we are experiencing peace and joy because this problem was brought into the open and we have both committed ourselves to communicating and working our individual programs.  We value each other, and we value our relationship and our family.  And, we value you.  That is why we both have our own ways of educating and reaching out to others.  It is our calling.

Guys and gals, do not buy into the lies.  Join me in being a part of the solution.  I wish for you a relationship with your God, a celebration of everyday as yourself, and a relationship with a significant other that brings you honor and happiness.

If you are reading my posts, you understand by now that sexual degradation is such a multi-layered problem, and men and women both work at tearing each other and themselves down, but there is help to get out and reclaim your life.  You're worth it!

Female Athletes Need Cups Too

Most boys and men I have ever encountered carry with them this "protect the male private parts at all cost" mentality, some of which is perfectly understandable.  To be hit in a sensitive area is no laughing matter.  However, for males, this topic has become so cliched that nearly every movie about boyhood or that involves potty humor involves a boy or man being hit in the crotch, to wit he immediately falls into a fetal position.  Boys and men viewers groan along with the character on the screen and are in disbelief or ready to tell females  "you don't understand because you don't have anything there" if a female nearby makes a comment like "here we go with that again."

One thing I truly hate is potty humor, particularly about males peeing or their crotch shots.  This is all heavily-laden with messages to females that "you aren't a part of this club because you are without male genitals."  As a former fastpitch softball catcher, I will explain how this concept plays out even in softball, a tradionally female-dominated sport.

The problem with the ideology that "females are without male genitals" is that they are viewed from a perspective which is lacking, which as I have shared in previous posts, has the capacity to turn into abuse and discrimination of females.  This obsession with the blows to the male crotch has forced women to feel they have to allign with males on this as if to say "you're right, your genitals are so ultra important that we have to recognize this repeatedly and admit that we have no value between our legs."  

When I entered the realm of baseball, playing with my brothers and my dad, as a young girl, I was immediately aware that the fathers and male coaches elevated the need for boys to wear a cup to a ridiculous level.  Again, I am not saying that I don't encourage this (my son wears a cup at every practice or game).  What I am saying is that males in our society have a fixation with it, looking for opportunities to talk about it.  My assistant coaches (male) last season must have commented a dozen times about cup rules in our Little League despite any effort on their part in helping me coach effectively.  Already this season, I have gotten emails about the almighty cup and overheard the coach repeatedly asking the boys if they have one and fathers elbowing each other as they talk over and over about the boys wearing cups.  It's an obsession.

The position of catcher in baseball requires in the rule books that the player wear a protective cup.  However, in my years playing at the varsity level of softball in high school, no one ever mentioned that my female genitalia was worthy of any kind of protection.  The equipment given to me didn't even have a flap that juts down from the chest protector.  And, of course, that softball coming in at a high rate of speed, found my crotch.  It became very apparent, at least to me, that yes, while they are not male parts, there certainly ARE parts down there that were now in serious pain. 

 I think the injury I sustained while riding on a male friend's bike several years previous was worse pain, because I fell on the bar of the bike which then forcefully jammed up between my labia.  I could barely walk for most of the afternoon I was in so much pain.  Nonetheless, following the blow to my vulva on the softball field, my pelvic bone was so deeply bruised that I couldn't withstand any sort of pressure on it for quite some time.  But, I never told anyone about it because I knew it would fall on deaf ears.  I made a note to myself to consider inventing a cup for female catchers one day.

I am sad to report I didn't have the opportunity to carry out my idea for my invention, because someone else beat me to it.  But, I am delighted that he did, and that he told reporters that he did this because he was told to by the Holy Spirit.  That was so comforting to me when I read about it, because it was like God was confirming to the world that female sex organs are equally important to males, and they deserve to be protected too.  The female cup, or as it is often called, the pelvic protector, has a similar design to the male cup; the wider part is placed at the top to protect the gonads, which for women are internal.  The thinner portion of the cup covers the vulva.  

This whole fetal position phenomenon and the demands of males to recognize it deeply offends me.  It's not that I don't understand that it's painful, it's that I don't understand how males can forget that our genitals are made out of the same tissue and nerve endings and that we suffer through many painful gynecological experiences throughout the duration of our lives that last longer than a crotch shot.  Female swimmers are not allowed to curl into the fetal position; they're told to shove a tampon up their vagina and keep on swimming (while on their period).  I had my uterus pulled through my abdomen and told the next morning I was ready to leave the hospital.  Respect flows both ways.