Why Is This So Hard?

Last night my husband and I went to try out this dinner and a movie place to try and unwind from a stressful week.  The college Fastpitch tournaments were on as we were waiting to go into the movie, and I was delighted because he was taking what seemed to be a real interest in watching it with me.  

Suddenly, a man from the kitchen came out and turned the softball game off, tuning the channel to show a male sport.  He didn't even look to check to see if anyone was watching the softball game, he just took it upon himself to change the channel.  I thought, isn't that a good metaphor to what we as women go through in life?  These women were playing their hearts out on the screen with skill and tenacity, and he didn't care.  He knew there would be men coming into the bar and he wanted to keep them there as long as he could to make money; what man wants to watch a female sport, right?

It is disturbing how few fans go to see women's sports live; what a slap in the face to serious, female athletes.  I do believe there is a professional softball league of some kind still going, but the amount of money those athletes make is laughable compared to their male counterparts.  

My husband got up to go speak to the bartender.  I thought, cool he's confronting the injustice he's clearly seeing played out before his eyes!  I was feeling so proud, until I saw him walk back through with a cigarette in his hand.  What?!  Among his many addictions, this one has had probably the worst stronghold on him.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing!  He had just had dental surgery, and the hygienist specifically instructed him NO SMOKING.  How sad that is to realize that he was willing to jeopardize his health for a drug, and how quickly he was able to turn from my pain and discount it because he was focused on a sinful craving.

I went into the theater clearly upset.  Things continued to spiral down as I watched scantily-clad women dance provocatively across the screen as we waited for our Disney Movie to come on.  Of course that triggered my response of 'is he watching her, what is he thinking about, how can he buy into all of these cultural lies and seduction when he says he loves me so much?'

The movie was filled with some positive messages, ironically, mostly themed around Feeding the Right Wolf, the slogan for a pornography-treatment program.  But, it really does come down to that.  I found myself asking, why won't he feed the right wolf?  I thought we were both committed to Truth.  How can I support him in his ministry when all I can see displayed before me is hypocrisy, worldly lust, and ultimately-betrayal?

Toward the closing of the film, the main character talks about how the world is becoming such a dark place, but people can change that; so why won't they?  I reflected on my husband ignoring that man changing the Fastpitch game and wondering what was so powerful inside of him that made him accept the disrespect toward the woman he is supposed to love more than anyone else, and how could he in turn provide more of the same?  Why won't he stand, not because I ask him to or tell him it's important to me, but because inside himself he is sickened just as much as I am by the degradation of women?  That scares me to think that maybe he doesn't share that same belief, and maybe the talk that goes on about his wanting to walk in the Light is superficial-that maybe down deeper is a blackened heart.

Last night was hurtful.  My husband has a way of wanting physical attention when he knows he has hurt me, and that is hard for me to give.  I still love him to my core despite the offense, but I just don't want to reward that behavior or feel like I'm selling myself out when I am so desperately trying to stand strong in my self-confidence and values. The worst of all, though, is when we came home and he rolled away from me and went right to sleep, snoring that loud snore that goes through me like a knife when I'm feeling alone and depressed.

Ontop of it all, I had gotten word that while my son was with my parents on a weekend trip, he had accidentally fallen and broken my dad's ipad.  That was followed by my father screaming and cursing at my son.  My heart sank inside me, and I felt like a complete failure as a mother for allowing my child to go into the cesspool that I dealt with growing up.  I just wanted him to have a good time.  I layed there in bed thinking how alone I felt and how sad from so many years of hurt at the hands of men I love and who mean the most to me.  

I went to my son's bedroom and I laid there, crying, missing him, wishing I could hold him and protect him from this dark world; hating myself for knowing I allowed him to go so far away with people who had wounded me so.  My adrenaline was pumping, and I tried desparately to work it off by hanging clothes, but to no avail.  I continued to cry most of the rest of the night, and I tried my best to commune with my Father, because I knew that no human ears heard my cry in the night.

Since I learned of my husband's sexual addiction, nights have become particularly difficult for me.  I think it's because I am so busy and have to keep it together for so many tasks during the day that I can't really address what's hurting inside of me until I lay down to rest.  I can be, like last night, totally exhausted but suddenly be filled with such emotional pain that I am filled with energy.  My heart pounds, my mind races, and I just can't lie there and listen to that snoring that seems so flippant and cruel.

The nature of addiction is selfishness.  I hate it.  I hate that it ever came into my life.  I was not told about it, and I did not sign up for it.  I know that I must focus on myself to survive, but that is difficult when you see it sucking down the person who you once thought was one of the people who walked closest to God.  

There have been many good days since we started recovery, but last night was not one of them.  I'm putting my pain out here so that others might think it over before they head down the path of sexual addiction; because dear, there will be days like this.  I will pray for you; please pray for me as I do my very best to show the love of Christ and forgiveness in a marriage that is very important to me.  Please pray for my husband's heart.

When Men Are Abused

Men receive messages in our society to be the opposite of women, because our society hates women.  Guys, females represent the other half of God.  There is no shame in showing your emotions, being vulnerable, or being more than a set of muscles.  I believe that while man represents, for the most part, the protective and warrior side of God, he should also strive to learn and seek after the other side that comprises our Deity.  Same for women.  We can't truly know God or be close to God until we experience how Big and how encompassing He is; men and women are both image-bearers of Him.

Men suffer a great deal of abuse because of Satan's lies, that he only has value if he is aggressive and muscular.  Males feel real pain when they are insulted, when they are sick or injured, or when they are sexually manipulated or abused.  As a society, we do not validate that pain.  We encourage males to repress their pain and ignore it, to "suck it up" and move on with life.

The denial of emotional or physical pain and/or the lack of the coping skills to manage said pain, leads men evermore toward anger and aggression.  Anger, we have taught our boys, is the only acceptable emotion they may feel.  And we wonder why, then, that our men are dying of heart attacks or that they have road rage or that they become dominators of women and children.  If you don't talk it out, you will act it out.

Men and women should see themselves as teammates.  We have a lot we can teach men about how to express and manage emotions and they can teach us how not to make decisions based on emotion or to allow emotions to overwhelm us.  God, in His infinite wisdom, has given us one another to learn from and to comfort one another, support each other through this crazy life.  When we put Christ at the center of our lives, we realize that we have nothing to feel ashamed of.  We are ok just because of who we are, and life is in Him, not in abuse of others.  He made you exactly who you are supposed to be, enough.

Men, please realize that if you feel yourself being harmed by this world, do not continue the cycle of abuse.  Give it over to God, work through it with a good counselor, seek support in your spouse and parter in life and love.  You are made in the Great Creator's image, but so too is every other person.  You don't have to retaliate.  God will take revenge upon those who do not know Him.  Trust that.  

Men-Twenty Things You Can Do Besides Clicking On Porn

1. Think about the fact that while you are seeking pleasure for yourself, you are sinning against God.

2. Think about the fact that while you are seeking pleasure for yourself, you are deeply wounding your spouse and your kids.

3. Think about the fact that you are hurting yourself and ruining any chances at a healthy relationship with another person.

4. Call your sponsor.

5. Exercise.

6. Plan a romantic evening for your wife.

7. Tell your daughter that you believe in her.

8. Explain to your son why "real men" don't look at porn.

9. Read what the Bible says about sexual sin.

10. Hang with a buddy who realizes that women aren't just photoshopped body parts.

11. Ask yourself how you would feel if your wife was looking at naked men.

12. Imagine your daughter being the model and the most greasy, red-necked man you could imagine masturbating to her photo.

13. Imagine what it would feel like if you had to show the world your penis to make a thin dime.

14. Remember that good guys such as yourself started out looking at porn before they got arrested for other things.

15. Remember that just because someone may have hurt you, that gives you no damn right to hurt someone else.

16. Know that all things done in "secret" will soon come to light and you are jeopardizing your soul for all of eternity.

17. Realize that once you go down this road, you may never come back.

18. Help somebody out instead of tearing someone down.

19. Know that you are loved and worthy of respect as well as responsible for respecting others.

20. Reach out for help.

Our Female Soldiers Do Not Deserve Shame

My grandfather was a war hero of the Second World War.  I loved to sit with him and hear intense and dramatic stories about how he crawled on his stomach down the hill at the Battle of the Bulge and translated German to English because he was fighting our ancestors, how he corresponded to one of the German guards in a Concentration Camp who was in fact his uncle.  He helped stamp out the atrocities of an entire nation of people.  I remember the pride I felt that my grandpa was brave, a man of honor.

My father did not fight in Vietnam, but he made the decision to enlist and to do whatever his country called him to do.  I admired that bravery, and I always looked at the military as a place where leaders went to show their nobility and love for their fellow man who were being persecuted or oppressed.  I remember feeling that strong pull to be one of these brave souls.

My husband also put on a uniform by his own choice and was willing to sacrifice himself so that I could enjoy freedom.  I admire these three men in my family so much for the unselfish choice they made to serve in the armed forces.  There are times where I feel a bit envious that I can't tell others that I made the same choice.  However, I realize that this is just about me wanting recognition, and these three guys didn't want that.  That is true sacrifice and honor.

I have learned that the purpose for my life is to work behind the scenes, as a civilian.  God desires humility in order for Him to get the true glory.  I can receive honor from Him, and I don't need the accolades of the world.  My contribution to helping others comes from a much darker place; there is another side of the military that I must tell.

I always admired my father's drive to succeed.  There are a lot of ways my dad hurt me, but this is truly one way he graced my life.  He encouraged me to dream big dreams and instilled in me the notion that there was not anything I could not become.  He knew my heart for honor and integrity and strength, and so he encouraged me during high school to set my sights on attending the United States Airforce Academy.

I was confident that I could overcome the high bar of receiving entry to the Academy.  I was at the top of my class, an athlete, involved in lots of volunteer organizations and school clubs.  I knew people in high places.  However, when one of my teachers shared a catalogue of the coursework with me, I knew it was not the place for me.  It was so heavy on the hard sciences.  I didn't want to be an astronaut; I wanted to help people.

So, I set about looking for a way to be a part of the military elite without having to be a mathematician or scientist.  I found out that the ROTC offered a scholarship, and that upon completion of college, I could become a Second Lieutenant in the United States Air Force.  That sounded rather appealing to me at the time.  I completed the interview, and I was awarded the scholarship.  However, the scholarship was for nursing, and I knew dealing with bodily fluids and needles was not where my heart was at.  So, I declined this opportunity.

At first, I beat myself up emotionally over my decision not to enter the military.  I thought, not many people would ever get the chance to receive this award or the chance at such a bright future and I turned it all away.  I thought about turning down the chance to attend Tulane Law School or to save souls as a Chaplain on the battle field.  It sickened me that I would never be a hero.

And then, as time passed, tragic event started to unfold.  Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.  I thought wow, I would have been right in the middle of that hurricane if I was in Law School at that moment.  A female cadet reported her rape at the Air Force Academy.  Again I thought, maybe that wasn't all I thought it was.  And then, the war.  Did I really want to kill people unless I absolutely had to?  Not at all.  I realized that God had saved me from myself.  His grace and mercy had led me down a different path.

I appreciate all of the men and women who have fought in our armed forces so that I have the ability to write this blog post today.  But, I must tell a very sad side of the military. The military is brutalizing young women.  The Pentagon itself reported that in 2012, there were 26,000 sex crimes in our United States Military, 70 sexual assaults EVERY DAY!

The majority of these crimes against women were never reported because of fear of retaliation or further abuse.  Today, I thank God that he saved me from this, where instead of honor, I might well have been laden with shame.  I pray for those women who are serving, and I stand with them to fight dishonor that is being brought on females who are there to serve you and I.

May God Bless and protect our women in the armed forces until they win their own battle against their allies.  Please join me in helping them win.  No one may ever see us in a uniform or know our names.  But, together, we can get the word out, we can advocate.  And that, is also a true hero.

Testicles On Trucks

Have you seen them yet?  Red-necks everywhere are attaching artificial testicles to their trailer hitches.  What do you suppose this is supposed to mean?  If this person is in a relationship with a female human being, why in the world would she tolerate this?

In the culture we live in with so very many sexual overtones and blatant sexism, this is just one more thing to have to figure out how to deal with oneself much less explain to the kids.  It seems like so many men think this sort of thing is so cute; well it's not, so just stop.

At least the Calvin peeing sticker has a female counter part, though you may have guessed that I would only purchase it if she was standing to pee!

A Poem I Wrote For Moms Who Have Miscarried

Nine years ago, just before Mother's Day, I miscarried my first child.  Through the years, Mother's Day has been very painful for me when I think about my loss, and I know it is for so many of you.  I wrote this poem to celebrate the joy that we have because their lives mattered and they are with our Lord.  Blessings to you, and a great big hug.

To those who mourn on Mother's Day-
You are loved in the highest way.
Because the day our loved one died
They took their place at Jesus' side.

-Go Girl 4125

What Do You Do On Mother's Day If Your Mom Totally Sucks?

Isn't it always a challenge to look through the beautiful, lacy and mushy cards when you're standing there thinking that your mother has never really been there for you when you needed her?  This is always the case for me.

I have long been envious of that mother-daughter bond, someone to talk to about how special women are in God's Kingdom, a shoulder to cry on with that first broken heart, someone to do your makeup for your wedding, to bring you a personal gift when you're having a bad day, someone's arms to jump into when you find out your pregnant for the very first time or to hold you when you learn your baby is dying inside your womb.  I have had to settle for surrogate mothers who were this person for me and to be that person for other little girls.

Still, there is a broken place in my heart that I wish my mother could have filled for me.  I honor the positive qualities about her and the moments I feel she really tries.  I also recognize that I can always turn to my God, because he also has a maternal side.

Today I challenge you, if you have her in your life, hold her close and tell her just how much she means to you, and even if you don't, model who you wish she would have been for you to someone else.  I truly become disheartened by the lack of closeness and the criticalness I feel from her, and still I pray that I can be the daughter God has called me to be.